stumbles

this past weekend i took another hiking trip. i was excited for this trip because it was the scheduled time i had put aside for some serious me time. it was expected to be hot and muggy and so i got up early and headed south about three hours. one of the things i am learning to enjoy about going hiking is that many times you just have to go with the flow. i came prepared with a few bottles of water and a snack or two just in case i become 'directionally challenged' - which apparently happens to me - and off i went. 

the first particular leg of this hike took me to an area called the hidden falls. it was busy with young families so i decided i would stop on my way back. i took off into the wilderness and founds some signs that told me beaver trail went thata way! 

the area was beautiful. it was surrounded by large, overgrown trees with lots of shade. a ravine that ran through to the falls. rolling hills that added some extra sweat to my brow! it was gorgeous. but i kept tripping. in fact, i tripped so much, i started looking back at what i was tripping over. there were tree roots everywhere on this path - and they varied in size. 

it was kind of embarrassing. then it would happen again. when i looked back the roots were a bit bigger. 

and then finally, the one that almost sent me to kiss the ground...

what in the world was i thinking about that i was not noticing these roots? this is what happens when i hike...i think. and this particular day - thinking was taking my mind off of the path that i was on and i continued to stumble. 

ok...bare with me. this is really hard to talk about. insert big sigh. 

for the past several weeks i have been struggling with my anxiety. slowly for the past weeks, my anxiety has overtaken my ability to want to live. it has been debilitating. panic attacks. very emotional. not sleeping. upset stomach.  i have been hiding it pretty well until last week. i had my days where i would stumble and look back to see if anyone noticed. as the weeks progressed, the stumbles were a bit more profound, but again, i caught myself and put myself back together. finally last week, i stumbled so hard, i couldn't get up. i didn't want to get up. i broke. pretending nothing was wrong for so long had caught up to me. 

i am working my way through it. it has been challenging. really challenging. talking to a couple of friends, getting back on meds, setting clear boundaries, and focusing on myself again are all the things that i have lost sight of in the last several months, which have caused me to stumble. 

anyone who suffers from anxiety or depression knows that the small victories need to be celebrated. one second at a time. one minute at a time. one step at a time. 

its scary. its hard. really hard. but oh my goodness it will be so worth it once you get to the other side! the view alone of what was accomplished will be worth the pain you have endured! 💓

here is the view of the hidden falls on my way back from stumbling my way along life's hike. 

if you have anxiety or depression or any other mental health struggle, please, please reach out. don't try to do this on your own. there are people to help you.